My mom and I have a habit of only having deep discussions late at night. That seems to just be how things go. It's not like I plan it that way, but that's what happens. Last night, we had such a discussion. The gist?
Basically, I changed so much throughout this last school year. That's no surprise to anyone, and I have posted about it before. The difference is, it feels like no one gets that. I mean, everyone understands I've changed, but not how I've changed. I'm a quieter, more serious person now than I was a year ago. I don't think this is a bad thing, I still know how to laugh, I still giggle with my friends. I'm just not the same. I think a lot more, process things more internally now. It's part of growing up, I think. A lot of people expect me to be the same joyful, carefree person I was a year ago, and I don't have it in me anymore. For years, it was fake anyway, it was a mask. That's not really who I was. I gave up the mask, and that person, for better or worse, is gone. My mom said that the joy will return, and I believe her.
I don't think it will look the same though. I lost a part of me that I can never get back, the part that wants to trust people, no matter what the evidence says. I still like to think the best of people, but now, I re-examine and question things a lot more. I know that that is a good thing in some ways, in the world we live in now. I can accept that, but it comes with accepting that the carefree, optimistic-about-everyone-girl, she's gone.
I am content with life. I do have questions about why certain things this last year happened the way they did. That said, I believe that God has wonderful plans for me, and even the things I don't understand His reasons behind, He is using those in my life for good. I realized something the other night.
Abandoning something to God, or trusting Him with it, is not just throwing you're hands up in the air and saying "OK God, you do whatever you want." *My pastor told me that part, the next part is my own.* Abandonment is saying, "God, I don't get what You're doing, but I know You have my best interest in mind, so I will keep walking the way You've shown me unless You tell me something different." That is what I am doing now. I may seem different, but this is me... and God has given me peace.
2 comments:
I'm glad you're at peace with where God has brought you. Don't be too quick to say you can never be again, though... After all, you don't know anyone who's ever said things like that about parts of his personality/past, right? ;-) In particular, I would encourage you to think carefully (re-examine your views?! :p ) about the notion that re-examination and questioning must be in opposition to being carefree and optimistic about everyone.
I largely understand what you mean, in any case. It was much the same for me that first summer back, so I definitely can feel where you're coming from. (Just remember - it goes both ways! Don't make the mistakes I did that summer in forgetting that I'd lost touch with the changes with you guys, as well.)
And it takes time for people to get how you've changed. It's a lot like meeting someone again after a long time away (like us with the Skibas) - only we forget, because we're family and we know each other so well. The people at church forget, because they know you so well - but they don't, anymore, at least in the ways they did before.
In short, I know what you mean. I'll be praying for you. Call me if you want to talk about some of the particulars. In fact, just call me! I love you! :-)
I think you have come to learn one of the most difficult things about life. That is that human nature is not inherently good and we get hurt because of it.
As your brother encouraged you, don't allow this difficult lesson to leave you jaded. That can lead to developing a root of bitterness.
Remember the name you bear and what it means. If you don't remember completely ask me and I'll tell you what God put on our hearts about your name.
It is who you are!
Love you!
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